i have so much things to say right now, but words escape me.
in this time of transition, i dwell mainly in my head listing, sorting, questioning, seeking...and i often think that maybe if i could get it out of my head and onto a surface...in black and white, the answers will come. but then i sit...and tap my fingers in time with the blinking cursor because...words escape me, right now.
*20 minutes of screen-staring later…*
but that's ok. i am in the process of removing the clutter from my life. it's just identifying the clutter that's the problem. especially when it comes to the people in my world….
*? minutes of screen-staring later…*
Open Letter to AnOldFriend*:
you, of all people, know that once one is in my sphere, and has my love, it's very hard for me to decide they are no longer worthy of it. of my time. of my energy. of me. because there was a time when they once were, so...i could not have been that wrong about them, could i...? you know this about me because so many times you have told me to cut people off...to let them go because they are not worthy...because they constantly hurt me. and i listened to you, somewhat, never quite being able to cut anyone off. i just distanced myself for a time, and--inevitably--let them back in because they needed me, and i considered myself a terrible person for not being there when they needed someone, and had no one else. you would claim that i was far too nice, far too forgiving, and was letting people walk all over me. and it was true, in a sense. but i justified it by claiming that while i was there for them, i no longer needed them in my life, so they could never hurt me again.
just the other day, i once again found myself wondering why i had someone in my life whose presence is, simply, toxic. someone who cannot see beyond themselves and therefore can never see how much pain they cause. someone who accepts love, but clearly does not know what it means to give it. someone for whom reciprocity, courtesy, and consideration are the most foreign of concepts. someone whom i love fiercely, but find myself wondering if there is anything to like about them, anymore. or...if there ever was. and it breaks my heart to admit that that someone is you. and so, i have to take the advice you gave me long ago, and let you go. you probably won’t notice it for a long while, and i admit it is rather cowardly of me to write this in a space where i know you’ll never read it. but i knew if i sent this to you…if i said any of this to you, you would not hear me. you would never understand. and i’m okay with that, now. but i had to get it down to clear the clutter in my head and heart…and, in the process, to find my words again..
*note: AnOldFriend represents a composite of characters, not an individual.
ok. i feel much lighter now that i’ve sent that out into the universe.
55 minutes ago